Bubba Claus - f/Ann & Roger Steinbach, Suffolk, VA
(Posted as received with a little embelishment, |*|James L. Steele)

Date: Wed, 5 Dec 2001 07:41:16 -0500 (EST)

From: Santa Claus

  To: Whom it May Concern

Subject: Bubba Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve.  Due to
the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.  I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer
breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.  However, I'm
certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole.  He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a
few differences between us.  Differences such as:

  1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
     Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
     that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

  2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
     leave an RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork rinds] on the
     fireplace.  And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little
     snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

  3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
     instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
     my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's

  4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen", when
     Bubba Claus arrives.  Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
     on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

  5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
     likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"

  6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
     have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
     "Back off".  The last I heard, it also had other decorations on
     the sleigh back as well.  One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights
     that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of
     me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy. 

  7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
     and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
     viewing area.  Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
     "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
     and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

  8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
     the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
     presents under the tree.

  9. And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me,
     such as "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus
     Is Coming to Town."  This year, however, songs about Bubba Claus
     will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South--songs such
     as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got
     Run'd Over by a Reindeer." 

Merrily Yours,

Santa Claus
Member, North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209

Courtesy: Ann and Roger Steinbach, Suffolk, VA

Posted: December 16, 2001  JSteele